Futile Horn

09.30.2003 - 5:11 am (wooo i'm william h. macy)

Today my sister showed me a picture in one of her herp magazines. By virtue of the fact she showed it to me, I assumed that one of the two girls in the picture had to be her. Turns out she was the Filipino girl. I had totally guessed wrong. I told her it was cool she was in a scholarly journal where she would been seen (albeit as a Southeast Asian) by the journal’s fourteen readers. She got indignant. “Everyone will see it; this is the most widely circulated herpetological journal!” Poor girl had absolutely no idea why that sentence was funny. I suggested that most people didn’t even know what ‘herpetological’ meant. When she said plenty of people did, I told her it only seemed that way because she knows them all. The blood ran to her face. “You read dead languages!” Touché.

They are closing my favorite café. A notice on the front door displays my picture and reports they would rather close than serve a foul piece of manflesh like myself. It’s when hate grows stronger than the dollar that I begin to worry.

Today I reread the ode where Horace introduces the fateful tree. It’s tragic because it neither fell close enough to kill him nor far away enough for him to ever stop babbling about it. I was thinking to myself the log probably missed him by about 5 feet. I thought to myself, I should have some dumb ass pseudo catastrophe happen to me. When I went outside a HUGE fucking tree limb came crashing down right in front of me! Scared the shit out of me. It must have weighed, oh I dunno, twenty, thirty ounces, and it landed, Christ, only one or two yards away. I thinking this is exactly what happened to Horace.

A guy in orthodox dress came up to me in the park today asked me if I am, by any chance, Jewish. It’s the glasses. By day I am mild-mannered gentile Futilehorn, by night I become *DUM DE DUM* (wait as I don my horn-rims) TALMUD MAN!!

I would continue this ridiculous Focus inspired charade except I have very little idea what the Talmud is about.

I should have told him yes; I’d probably be privy to some insider cabalist secret by now.

Honestly when I sat down to write this entry, I thought it would funny and entertaining.

Born to play the funky céilí,
Futile Horn