Futile Horn

08.28.2003 - 5:49 am (liberty is a seven horned god)

So I went to the city today. I read Greek in a café on the Upper East Side for a few hours. They were out of hummus. Every café I’ve ever been in is always out of hummus. I would say it was part of a huge left wing conspiracy/hoax, but I have managed to coax the hummus plate out of a café or two and it has generally been quite good. I drank a huge cup of coffee on an empty stomach, and I reeled around town on a caffeine malaise the entire day. You might say it was unpleasant.

There was a huge crowd outside Radio City Music Hall. The big sign out front said the train wreck award show of the year (you know that MTV thing) wasn’t until tomorrow. I thought, what, have these losers nothing better to do than to camp out outside a whole day in advance? But just now it occurred to me that 50 cent might want to do a rehearsal. So like I said. Biggest. Losers. Ever.

Yesterday morning they were showing the video nominees. Christine Aguilera’s “Dirrty” was up for choreography. Surely someone besides myself has noticed that she cannot and does not dance, not in “Dirrty,” in anything else. Sure, she stands center forward with a group of other girls, and she shakes her butt and she touches herself, but she doesn’t do anything that anyone would interpret as a dance move. I dunno, someone needs to have a talk with that girl. She has a nice voice, but someone needs to explain that trampy does not equal sexy.

Same thing for Beyonce. I saw the video for “Crazy in Love” and I started fantasizing about mechanical sex I could fall asleep during.

I thought I could find a table in Central Park to read Latin at, but no dice so I wound up wandering down the west side. Man, the west side makes me cranky. Nothing but nice apartments for literate rich people.

Some guy asked me for directions to Time Square. 30 blocks! He was so lost and had so very little to do.

For a while I wondered why only girls and gay men asked me for directions. Are they all coming on to me?!? No, silly rabbit.

Anyway, speaking of homosexuals, I wandered down to Bryant Park where there was a free outdoor dance … recital. The park is also across the street from the Verizon building, so you had to watch over the sound of strike chants, whistles, and I think a kazoo.

Born to play the funky céilí,
Futile Horn